It’s like having a slip-on shoe, but it’s a slip-on sex curtain

It’s like having a slip-on shoe, but it’s a slip-on sex curtain

You’ll still need privacy, so get some Velcro and some fabric from your local arts and crafts store. Cut up rectangular slabs that match the height and width of each of your windows. Yes, we’re making curtains that Velcro on and Velcro off. Now, whenever you’ve found a safe spot, attach your curtains with the Velcro for privacy. When the mitzvah is done, rip those curtains off and get out of there.

Utilize Natural Barriers

There are generally big piles of gravel and sand and cement every hundred or so miles off the side of the highway. You’ve probably driven by them ten million times and never cared to wonder what they might have to offer. These make great barriers and will hide you from view without drawing any attention. Nobody will even see your car, so you can always pull off and bang behind the sand.

Find No Service Exits

You’ve also got the no-service exits-you know, those exits off the Interstate that have no gas stations or houses or commerce of any kind and you’re not even sure why the exit was even built? Exactly. Well, exit there and find a nice spot to pretend like your car is abandoned-just park on some out-of-site two-tracker road (roads that only have tire marks to lead the way) or any road for that matter and play dead. Random cars are stashed all over those no-service exits. Just blend in.

Know The Three Places You Can Sleep in Your Car

There are three places in the United States where it is legal AND free to park your car overnight, or for extended periods of time: truck stops or travel centers, rest areas and Walmart parking lots. Not all Walmarts own their parking lots though, so make sure it’s a Walmart that owns the land they’re on. You’ll know whether or not it’s a legit Walpers and RVs parked somewhere in the back corner. You can pull anywhere in that parking lot (they’re usually the size of seven football fields), turn the car off, put the curtains up and do what you need to while the town shops for furniture and groceries.

Rest areas are always good, unless specifically stated on a sign. Sometimes they have parking time limits, though, so pay attention. Truck stops and travel centers are also cool, but don’t park in the truck section. You’ll be inhaling diesel fuel while you sleep and they leave the trucks running throughout the night so it’s real loud. Find a Pilot, Flying J, Loves or a local truck stop with a sizable portion of the lot dedicated to cars.

Don’t Try It If It Seems Iffy

Don’t try and get away with parking at municipal or state parks, and if you’re planning to have sex in a national park, don’t even try it without making a reservation months in advance. They take that shit seriously. Never pull off on the side of the road at night either, because that automatically looks suspicious to any sneaking cops. Also, keep a truck stop guide in your glove compartment, and make sure you’ve got a GPS because your iPhone is going to be out of service 60% of the time you’re on the road. Trust me. Especially if you’re out west.

Invest In Comfort

The car is not exactly an intuitive place to have sex. If you want to have sex in the front while laying down, how the hell do you deal with that front console? And if you want to have sex in the back, there’s just simply no way to OMGChat lay down comfortably without fixing the curvature of those backseats. Invest in a pair of thick blankets, a pair of towels and two pillows to smooth out all those lumpy inconveniences. Make sure these are accessible-the last thing you want to do is search for ten minutes around your trunk, fully erect, for some way to make your car comfortable while parked behind a big pile of sand in the middle of New Mexico. Make sure everything is within hand’s reach. Now all you have to do is wedge the towels between the gaps of the center console, lay your blankets over the towels and put the pillows above your head so the door handle doesn’t bruise you all up every time your partner gets a good thrust in.

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